Category: Reminiscing

There is an aura of bad energy around us at the moment. The US election brings what is worse on the people from both sides and, to be fair, is very difficult to either ignore it or to talk about it rationally. Both parties have some good and bad points, but they are hardly bought up in the conversation. Is all about having emotional responses on things taken out of context-can’t wait for it to be over because, frankly, I had enough.

I also got munching on some Vittorio Vanini chocolate this morning which I purchased on my recent trip to Switzerland, and it was expensive AF-like 40 euros for small bars of chocolate and a little pack of 5 different flavours, around 300gr in total.

Was it worth it? Strictly price-taste wise, no. Don’t get me wrong, the chocolate taste good and you that you’re either a carefuly crafted brand, but it does not taste that good. 40 euros good, to be precised. But was it worth it? Well, yeah-dunno when I’ll ever return to Switzerland or if I’ll bump into a Vanini chocolate shop before. Even tho the taste did not match the price, the experience did, and this is all that matters sometimes.

 

I always say that I’ll write things, but I just go through them inside my head and then drop the writing process.

Today is not a good day, unfortunately. I have already planned an upcoming trip I do not look forward do. Some people enjoy going back home, for me is just a reminder of the constant failures of the past and the present. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to be seen there or to see anybody from there, apart from my mother. Then why do I go there? Guess I already know the answer.

I realise that I’m people’s safety net, the one that is there to support them when they can’t support themselves. Sure, I can’t always deliver everything they need but I do try my best, as I almost always end up neglecting myself for them.

I did not feel well in the last couple of days, and it made me think again about how I do not, in fact, have a safety net. If I fall, there would be nobody to catch me. I mean, one or two persons will try, sure, but they won’t be able to.

I don’t really want to have a safety net either (unless that safety net is called having a few million $ in my bank account), because I am afraid that once I’ve got it, then I’ll let myself fall into pieces. I already did that before, and since there was nobody there, I had to get back on my feet-there isn’t a better motivator than an empty bank account and nobody to cover your expenses, trust me on that one.

Oh, and some dreams returned again. I don’t understand the point of guilty dreams, really. Wonder if they offer any therapeutic purposes. Do they? Or is just a constant reminder of our failures. Why do we never dream about our successes, or about that hot chick you banged her brains out all night, or about any other happy memory. Why is it either some SF stuff which makes no sense OR people from your past visiting and dropping shit on you?

Speaking of people from the past, is sad to realise that they can’t even be named that-they aren’t your past, just from your scenarios that you made in your head when you allowed yourself to day dream, for which you paid a heavy price-and probably, still do.

Then again, I guess it should hurt-I deserve it. But I also deserve some good news, hopefully this will come, too! Or maybe it already did and I cannot appreciate it.

Speaking of which, I recently visit the London Dungeon and the Batman Museum. The Dungeon was a nice experience overall, where we walked through London’s morbid history while actors did their best to scare the shit out of us-never felt my girlfriend grabbing my arm so tight before (talking about safety nets, lol), and the Batman experience was a nice walk through my memories.

I saw authentic suits, from the classic Ms Freeze to the recent ones that were used by Christian Bale. I also saw other costumes, like the Joker, Poison Ivy and Margot Robbie. Judging by the mannequin, Margot is hot and her husband is very lucky if he ever got her to cosplay in the suit for him.

Maybe the good is already here but I either can’t or choose to not see it. Or maybe, one day things will make more sense and the memories would come without regret.

Finding difficult to sleep these days. I need to close the page of my life’s book and start a new one. Not a new page, or a new chapter, or even a part two, no, no, no, I need a new book entirely.

A book which won’t be filled with pain, anger, disappointment and regret.

I know, I did or I contributed to some bad things. There is no forgiveness of or return from doing that, what was done, was done.

I also did some good things. Or, in the end, I tried-I really did.

Goodbye, old memory-I am sorry that my insecurities and lust for revenge messed up your life.

So long, another old memory-we both knew it wasn’t meant to happen, but we tried-and while it could’ve been better, it could’ve definitely be worst.

Farewell, my dearest friend-I pray that those who stayed treat you better than those who left, and I don’t need your forgiveness for which it holds no benefit, as I would never forgive myself for that situation, but I need you to be OK. I pray that you are. And that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, life is filled with love, fulfilment and happiness.

Last but not the least, take it easy, Cristian. Learn to forgive- others and, especially, yourself.

Learn to focus on yourself, as there are things which need addressing.

Learn to stop holding the weight of the world on your shoulder.

Learn to appreciate those who are here “now”, rather than feeling guilty for what happened “before”.

All I can do is focus on becoming a better version of myself. And while I might not achieve my best, if it would be better than my current version, then I’ll call that progress. Sort of.

Hasta la pasta, baby.

 

 

 

When I repurchased the domain name, I was planning to stop writing things in my head and put them here instead. Over a month went by and I had written everything in my head, I put nothing down here.

Maybe my head just moved on past writing important stuff on the interned. These days, I merely use it to communicate with the few friends I’ve got and the only writing I’m doing is when  entering the endless debates about nothing, from which I exit after a few minutes.

Truth to be told, I am not interested in those subjects much-it just gaves me an easy way to blow off some steam.

it does not matter really what I think about what and I am aware of that, and I start to think that most people who comment and enter arguments are aware of this as well-they just use internet as an escape. Or maybe I am wrong, it doesn’t really matter at the end of the day.

Speaking of what matter, real life called so the blow writing most stop for now. See you between approximately and never to write again about everything and nothing.

 

7 Years

I remember like it was today. While I was placing everything I’ve had in a Decathlon bought suitcase and a CapyTempo backpack which a friend gave me a few years back, my dog was curious about what I was doing, and so were my cats. Little would they know that in a few hours, I will physically be as far away from them as I will be from ever seeing most of them again.

I did one last night of PC activities-some browsing, minimal gaming, went to make some last pics of my pets and mum, then I slept for around 2 hours before one of my friends came to drop me at the airport.

It was my first time there, I remember going through the customs fairly straightforwardly, then waiting at departures.

As I was boarding the plane, I remember how my mother merely encouraged me before I entered my friend’s car and told me that It was about time I try something different, which was the first (and only) time she actually approved this.

I wished I could’ve listened to Eminem’s song Lose yourself but my phone’s audio jack was messed up, I could only find the courage within my mind and carry on this path.

 

Remember being on British soil for the first time, panicking around the bus stops, walking towards my temporary accommodation using Here and Google Maps. I remember going into town at 5PM just to find everything shut and wondering where everyone was (where I came from, 6-7 PM is the time when everyone is out lol).

But most importantly, I remember not having any idea whatsoever about what I’m going to do and still moving forward with ticking all of my objectives-finding a rent accommodation, get the right to work in the UK, opening a bank account, familiarizing myself with the new surroundings, meeting new acquaintances-all done by an introvert who hates talking to people in general, let alone to new people, in new environments.

I do not know how I managed to go through with all this, but this experience proved to me that focus and dedication can prevail when fear and doubts can’t break your spirit.

While over 2191 days have passed since I came into the post-brexit vote United Kingdom, I don’t remember many of these days as I did remember that one. I might’ve not seen it at the time, but this all process proved to me that many things are only difficult in my head and most things get easier once I’ve started.

Unfortunately, I need to put a stop for now-life’s calling. A hot piece of lasagne and a slice of mango cake, to celebrate this milestone. Chapeau.