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Cristi Shady Posts

I am a clown

Published on November 19, 2024

 

 

While browsing through Instagram, looking for cats videos, this image popped into my feed. Usually, 9gag offers fun pics, but this one hit too close to home.
I am in an endless self reflecting loop anyway for reasons that I would not write right now, but this kind of gave those thoughts an unneeded boost.

Its said by some people that a boy becomes a man when his world is ending and he realises that there is nobody out there to save him-he needs to do it himself.Although I can’t remember when it was the last time someone was there to “save me”, as I wrote on my safety net post, I don’t know why I don’t feel quite like a man either.
Is it too late for me to reenact these thoughts?

I always found it difficult to assess the appropiate moment reaction. So naturally, people’s intentions in emotionally challenged moments are a gamble for me, which I don’t always win. I am sure that there were people who wanted to be there for me but I could not get the message from everyone, just as I couldn’t make my message clear back to them. Sometimes they also needed help but I did not know how/when to provide it.
Just remembering some of these situations makes me realise that I died more than once, full of regret. And I managed to rebirth myself everytime and although some of the pain stayed behind, the regret followed me everywhere.

And while typing this I realise I do what I usually do, tip toe around the matter at hand and skilfully change the topic until it passess. I guess that is difficult to put trust in yourself and people after you get burned from a young age.
Sure, I am not all innocent myself-and this is something I need to accept living with. But oh God, how much I wished some things were different..

Doing things all by your lonesome ain’t too bad either sometimes. If you win or fail, is all on you, nobody to blame, nobody to take the credit for it either (although, we “clowns” have a tendency to not be good at giving ourselves credit either).

I know what I wrote in the beggining that part of being a man is saving yourself, but there was also a moment and time to do that. Maybe, as a child it wasn’t the appropiate one and this is how I dwelved into coping mechanisms which pretty much made a weirdo out of me, but helped me survive, if only.
Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t had been better if I offed myself long time ago, when I was flirting with death, and honestly..I don’t know. I wish I could 100% say no, but I am at somewhere 50-60%.

But embracing your trauma is part of becoming an adult. Everyone had their own and while some experienced bigger traumas than others, everyone coped with it in their own way. If it wasn’t for this, then me, this version of myself, would’ve never existed. And I might’ve ended up better, but might as well been worse-there’s not knowing and there’s no point knowing, either.
For now, I will just like to forget.

Vittorio Vanini chocolate and morning thoughts

Published on November 4, 2024

There is an aura of bad energy around us at the moment. The US election brings what is worse on the people from both sides and, to be fair, is very difficult to either ignore it or to talk about it rationally. Both parties have some good and bad points, but they are hardly bought up in the conversation. Is all about having emotional responses on things taken out of context-can’t wait for it to be over because, frankly, I had enough.

I also got munching on some Vittorio Vanini chocolate this morning which I purchased on my recent trip to Switzerland, and it was expensive AF-like 40 euros for small bars of chocolate and a little pack of 5 different flavours, around 300gr in total.

Was it worth it? Strictly price-taste wise, no. Don’t get me wrong, the chocolate taste good and you that you’re either a carefuly crafted brand, but it does not taste that good. 40 euros good, to be precised. But was it worth it? Well, yeah-dunno when I’ll ever return to Switzerland or if I’ll bump into a Vanini chocolate shop before. Even tho the taste did not match the price, the experience did, and this is all that matters sometimes.

 

The safety net

Published on October 25, 2024

I always say that I’ll write things, but I just go through them inside my head and then drop the writing process.

Today is not a good day, unfortunately. I have already planned an upcoming trip I do not look forward do. Some people enjoy going back home, for me is just a reminder of the constant failures of the past and the present. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to be seen there or to see anybody from there, apart from my mother. Then why do I go there? Guess I already know the answer.

I realise that I’m people’s safety net, the one that is there to support them when they can’t support themselves. Sure, I can’t always deliver everything they need but I do try my best, as I almost always end up neglecting myself for them.

I did not feel well in the last couple of days, and it made me think again about how I do not, in fact, have a safety net. If I fall, there would be nobody to catch me. I mean, one or two persons will try, sure, but they won’t be able to.

I don’t really want to have a safety net either (unless that safety net is called having a few million $ in my bank account), because I am afraid that once I’ve got it, then I’ll let myself fall into pieces. I already did that before, and since there was nobody there, I had to get back on my feet-there isn’t a better motivator than an empty bank account and nobody to cover your expenses, trust me on that one.

Oh, and some dreams returned again. I don’t understand the point of guilty dreams, really. Wonder if they offer any therapeutic purposes. Do they? Or is just a constant reminder of our failures. Why do we never dream about our successes, or about that hot chick you banged her brains out all night, or about any other happy memory. Why is it either some SF stuff which makes no sense OR people from your past visiting and dropping shit on you?

Speaking of people from the past, is sad to realise that they can’t even be named that-they aren’t your past, just from your scenarios that you made in your head when you allowed yourself to day dream, for which you paid a heavy price-and probably, still do.

Then again, I guess it should hurt-I deserve it. But I also deserve some good news, hopefully this will come, too! Or maybe it already did and I cannot appreciate it.

Speaking of which, I recently visit the London Dungeon and the Batman Museum. The Dungeon was a nice experience overall, where we walked through London’s morbid history while actors did their best to scare the shit out of us-never felt my girlfriend grabbing my arm so tight before (talking about safety nets, lol), and the Batman experience was a nice walk through my memories.

I saw authentic suits, from the classic Ms Freeze to the recent ones that were used by Christian Bale. I also saw other costumes, like the Joker, Poison Ivy and Margot Robbie. Judging by the mannequin, Margot is hot and her husband is very lucky if he ever got her to cosplay in the suit for him.

Maybe the good is already here but I either can’t or choose to not see it. Or maybe, one day things will make more sense and the memories would come without regret.

Last night

Published on September 27, 2024

Got some pretty shitty dreams last night. It seems like no matter how hard I try to get past some things in my life, they find their way back.

Do they try to tell me something? Is there anything from that past that I need to use now? Are there any red flags around me that I am either underestimating or didin’t notice? Either way, the real punishments of the conscience catches up with us. I can’t die, not yet.

I still have things to do and people who need me. Maybe I need to realise that I need myself, or maybe I need a break from life. I don’t know what good that will do to me-having free time off work just make things worse.

For now, I’ll just consume my sorrow in some italian bought biscuits with pistachio cream on top of them and contemplating if I should download the Mana games just added to gamepass or skip them entirely.

Decisions, decisions.

Trip to Milan

Published on September 15, 2024

And I’ve finally done it, a holiday abroad, which was long overdue anyway. My task was to find a holiday in Italy and, in the end, Milan was the choice.

Gotta say, while their attractions are a bit overhyped, the city’s vibe is perfect. Best dressed women (and men) I had ever seen, best food I had ever ate.

I also visited one place that hopefully will change my life a bit: the armani museum. Seeing those well dressed pictures and plastic models reminded me about how I liked to carry my person before I left myself go back to obscurity.

Although nothing spectacular came out of it and I’ve spent loads of money, it was nice to live a little and remind myself of the beautiful world that is out there, a world that doesn’t wait for me or anyone to enjoy it.

I guess that now, my next task is to look after myself and work towards some goals, other goals than surviving.

So Long

Published on March 10, 2024

Finding difficult to sleep these days. I need to close the page of my life’s book and start a new one. Not a new page, or a new chapter, or even a part two, no, no, no, I need a new book entirely.

A book which won’t be filled with pain, anger, disappointment and regret.

I know, I did or I contributed to some bad things. There is no forgiveness of or return from doing that, what was done, was done.

I also did some good things. Or, in the end, I tried-I really did.

Goodbye, old memory-I am sorry that my insecurities and lust for revenge messed up your life.

So long, another old memory-we both knew it wasn’t meant to happen, but we tried-and while it could’ve been better, it could’ve definitely be worst.

Farewell, my dearest friend-I pray that those who stayed treat you better than those who left, and I don’t need your forgiveness for which it holds no benefit, as I would never forgive myself for that situation, but I need you to be OK. I pray that you are. And that wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, life is filled with love, fulfilment and happiness.

Last but not the least, take it easy, Cristian. Learn to forgive- others and, especially, yourself.

Learn to focus on yourself, as there are things which need addressing.

Learn to stop holding the weight of the world on your shoulder.

Learn to appreciate those who are here “now”, rather than feeling guilty for what happened “before”.

All I can do is focus on becoming a better version of myself. And while I might not achieve my best, if it would be better than my current version, then I’ll call that progress. Sort of.

Hasta la pasta, baby.

 

 

 

Unlimited Thoughts

Published on March 6, 2024

Hello, is me again. Still trying to get my head around things.

I have everything mapped out inside my brain, I just need the will to do it. Why I haven’t started already? Well, I did started but I kind of got side tracked. Still, everything is in my head.

I haven’t procrastinated with everything, luckily I actioned and helped to solve some very big issues that appeared with my close ones. For starters, I start to believe that every single state institution around the world is run by dummies. Run by, or work by rules made by them. Horrendous, but that’s finished now and I can 100% say that sometimes, life give us happy endings. If we know what to do with them or not, that’s another story entirely.

I recently started to get back into the Last of Us game. I still maintain my opinion that this has to be the most overrated gaming franchise of all time. Basically, the game is like Uncharted but with clickers and crafting. And yeah, kind of creepy as we have scenes of an underage person looking at porn magazines and cocks, why I am not surprised that the Weird Patrol at Naughty Dog thought it’s a good idea to include that scene in the remastered game (not sure if it’s on the remake as well or not).

But if my experience of TLOU is not overwhelming, I recently finished Dark Souls 3 and it’s DLC’s and that one was time well spent. I bought the game impulsively to be honest, did not expected to complete it but here I was. Also, Ryse: True Son of Rome was a good time. Not historically accurate, but graphics and gameplay were on point and the story was ok, something to pass the time.

I also started Soulstice, but as much as I enjoy the story, the 2.5D gameplay is a bit repetitive and I’m yet to decide if I’ll continue it or not.

Last but not the least, I have started last month a new little novel. Not sure if this would be one I’ll actually finish or leave it be, but I hope I’ll get myself together to write it all down. Most of it it’s in my head, “How I met my soulmate” is one of the titles that floats around on my mind for it but it’s not set in stones. Unfortunately, like most of my best work it involves pain and skydiving in my darkest and unexplored corners for my unconscious, so writing it it’s not an easy  task.

 

Does anything makes sense anymore.

Published on February 23, 2024

I was listening to my music while walking back from work when I witnessed a young lady starting to shiver, cry and then fall on the ground, adding screams to her cries and looking in a big mental breakdown.

Someone did call 999 for her, I observed a bit later that two police officers and an ambulance with paramedics were there.

Makes you wonder, what can go so wrong in one’s life to react like that in the middle of the street, while surrounded by strangers. Makes me even wonder how many of us strangers do the same thing in our minds every day and we barely hold it together to not lose control and proceed following her footsteps.

One step forward, two steps back. Uncertainty, a lack of clear purpose or satisfactory results, too much negativity and distractions coming our way.

Of course that people are at the edge. I feel like screaming, shouting and bash myself to the floor myself, but I can’t afford it. I just need to hold it together and to be here for myself, to move forward, not backwards and to find my inner peace-something that I profoundly wish to that young lady as well.

 

New Chapters

Published on February 6, 2024

The last week has been interesting, to say the least.

Ever since forever, I was interested in gaming-I still remember owning a chinese console as a kid, “street fighter”. Just another version of the endless chinese clones of Nintendo Famicom.

Over the years, my passion evolved. With spending hours at the internet coffee’s, endlessly playing the same levels of the same few games, from owning my own PC and moving towards consoles, I was always interested in the phenomenon.

Among my favourite brands around gaming, two names were always on the list: the Rocksteady Studio and the Xbox console. They both managed to disappoint me within the last week.

For starters, Rocksteady entered the game studios Hall of Fame by creating Batman Arkham Asylum, a superhero games which changed forever not only the superhero games, but also many other action games. Even now, 15 years after it was launched, I can see new games borrowing elements from it and for it’s following games. 3 other entries were introduced in the Batman ArkhamVerse, City, Origins and Knight, which are still regarded as the best superhero game series of all times and one of the best game series in history. The series served as a good fanservice for the Batman: the animatied series fans, with Mark Hamill and Kevin Conroy returning to voice Joker and Batman for 3 of the 4 games (Arkham Origins featured different voice actors for batman and joker, the game being developed by another studio but in Arkham’s spirit)

The fans expected for this universe to end with Arkham Knight, who’s ending was a decent tribute to the series run and offered Batman a solid send off.

This all changed when their next game was announced to take part in the same universe, Suicide Squad: kill the justice league, who was also set to feature the last Kevin Conroy’s performance of Batman (unfortunately, he passed away in 2022).

To sum it in a short sentence, the game which launched last week trashed this legacy and it disappointed a lot of fans. I was planning to buy the game just for the story, but now I won’t…I can’t. Arkham’s Batman deserved better than what he got there, and even if I can overlook other things that I genuinely dislike about this game, I can’t forgive this aspect. Basically, most ArkhamVerse lovers boycotted the game as well. Farewell, Rocksteady-thank you for all the good memories.

Now, Xbox-my favourite console. I like the UI, the integration within Microsoft’s ecosystem, like OneDrive and PC, and I proudly owned several Xbox consoles during the last few years.

Now Xbox wants to bring their exclusives to PlayStation, in typical Microsoft move to destroy what they had helped build. Not going to go into details on why I think this would be the end of the xbox console, but I am a bit sad about all this.

I don’t want to give it too much thought either way, these corporats have their own agenda and talking about owning, I don’t own Microsoft stock (although I probably should) so it is what it is, such is life.

Time for a new chapter. Since everything around me changes, for the better or worst, I might as well aspire to focus on the better.

 

Come break the silence-2

Published on January 18, 2024

I’m thinking-and no, it doesn’t pay well, to quote Arthur Morgan-maybe I should start writing again. I never envisioned myself as a talented writer but writing about things that might’ve or might’ve not happened to me and put it in a fictional way. This might help me recconect with my inner self and achieve/maintain my peace.

Also, it can be something constructive on the long run.

Guess this is might help to keep me moving. But still, I wish I can break this silence. Tear it apart and move past that.