Cristi Shady

I know that I’m an idiot. I wish I wasn’t ofc, but I am and there’s no change to that.

One of things I wish I could change about myself is my coping mechanism. I always end up tearing my memories apart and look for things I could’ve done different, in order to avoid certain situations. This thing is all futile as life is not always linear.

I know that I had tried my best and that wasn’t good enough. Nobody’s fault. And alas, others tried their best as well and their best wasn’t good enough.

There is literally nothing wrong with trying and failling. All this I know, and I remind myself when is all too much to bear.

You know these movies where people travel back in time and knock a chair or something and then the all timeline changes? Could’ve it changed if I’ve done something different? Probably so. But it would’ve been for the betther? Here, nobody knows.

And that’s the thing, you know. I don’t have the grasp to pretend that I understand how the universe work. Maybe there is a destiny, maybe there isn’t. Maybe karma exists, maybe it doesn’t.

Maybe these things are not for us to understand. Lions living in the Savannah don’t spend their lives asking themselves philosophical questions, they just live-and die.

Maybe darwinnism is all there is in this life and, simply put, I wasn’t fit for it. Not for “you”, not for a happy life. And here is the part where I get when I’m hating myself, but I need to stop.

You’ll never read these words, but I did care. I still do. But sometimes people are not fit for each other. And when somethings get broken, everything else is ruined and can’t be put back together. For you I am a villain. For myself? I’m a failure. For the world, we are nothing.

But this endless variables game I play in my head need to stop. That’s enough now.

I’ve had a weird dream: I’ve received a letter that had a weird message. My past still seems to haunt me, and the timing was pretty much telling. That person’s birthday.

And talking about birthdays, I’ve got mine coming. And just like in the last four years, I spent the night before being depressed and feeling like the biggest failure to ever exist, among others.

I’ve spent the week in Vienna and I must say that this is, by far, the greatest place I’ve ever visited.

The emperors palaces are great, especially Belvedere. Plenty of things here were amazing.

I thoroughly enjoyed my stay here. I just wished everything else in my head would’ve been settled.

Forge on.

Eurovision finally finished last night. For the first time since 2022, I watched it almost fully.

My own country’s Alexandra Captinescu finished third.

Long story short, I think that this was this year’s best song but both the jury and public thought different and I have no issues with that.

I remember how the worst kind of people from both far left and far right got offended by it, for the wrong reasons. Some called it “satanic”, the far lefties were “anti woman”.

And some british sheeps were still salty about it, even yesterday.

Alexandra explained in Romania that the song wasn’t about BDSM, but about a deep love that leaves you breathless. And I felt it in the past, is wonderful, painful and lustful. Made me smile.

She changed the tune a bit after the guardian and other losers started with nonsense, and Alexandra said that it was about “anxiety” and “self doubt” but nevertheless, for a 22 years old young lady with limited stage experience (Even as a “Voice” winner, is not the same as handling this level of pressure), she did very well. She handled the dumbest criticism like a queen and she owned the stage in Viena.

She and her band are talented kids who handled the pressure well.

I am a happy man. Romania finally got noticed for something good. These kids done us proud and I hope that this isn’t the last we’ve heard of them.

Go, Alexandra. Good luck in the future.

I finished Terminator: Resistance before February and I can honestly say that the game was pretty decent. Had more fun with it than with more expensive, more acclaimed and bigger games like Starfield or Forbidden West.

I might replay it at some point, but before I started doing that, I went to Lords of the Fallen. A friend gifted it to me sometimes last year and never got to it, I played the 2014 version at some point but gave up on it quickly.

While I won’t be able to experience the original 2022 version as the studio update it and changed stuff, but I am happy with it. While the ganking seems a bit too much at times but you keep trying until you succeed. Was thinking to start a new game plus, but then again..why?

The newGamenuary finished in style, and now I need to decide what to play next.

Tried Wuchang Falling Feathers on gamepass and while I like the game, I am not sure I have it in me to do another soulslike now, hence I even put to rest (for now) playing NG+ on Lords of the Fallen.

I got to admit that the Game Awards trailer of Lords of the Fallen 2 convinced me to give this one a chance, but now I am not 100% sure I’ll buy the next one. I’ll probably decide after playing the demo, if they’ll release one. I thought I had a break of Soulslikes after AI limit but a good trailer and a fan-service orientated company can win over even the most stubborn people.

Speaking of the trailer, I got something else from it, my new most played song for the last two months.

Pure sex.

Stumbling across memories 

Today I was searching for some funny video I took in Elden Ring, I wanted to find one where I was summoned to fight Malenia in Haligtree and I stumbled into a player named Jesus (the character looked like Him as well). 

While I can’t remember the outcome of that fight, I never forgotten my war colleague. 

But I stumbled into something I did not know to have. A video recorded of myself and an old friend fighting Malenia, when I’ve got no idea what I was doing and I was only there via an imported saved game from Nexus mods (I was playing Elden Ring to humour that person, at that time, so I thought that by importing an endgame save I would be useful)-false, ofc. We failed miserably and it was embarrassing to watch how badly I/we performed, especially now since I’ve got a better understanding of her boss battle, but it also snapped our conversation. 

I dreamed a few times about talking to the person but now I watched it how it was, the real thing, not polished to look better or dramatized to look worse. 

This video survived almost 4 years, including moving information from one laptop to one PC and then to a newer PC. Not sure if it was OneDrive or my external HDD which I’ve used to move that particular folder, but I’m glad it did.  

I did not record it on purpose, so most likely my inputs somehow triggered either the Nvidia or Xbox app to record, but I’m glad it did. 

Is very weird to had found it as at that time I was not recording videos of my gameplay, and I never knowingly did on my laptop, but sometimes, God is good. I wish I could share that with the person so we can laugh at our pathetic attempts to defeat the witch, but we don’t talk anymore. I won’t go into the reasons why, as I don’t want to ruin my memory, but yeah.  

It was a gift that I was not expected and did not deserve. 

I wish I could turn back time for 5 minutes, so I could solo Malenia and make the person happy, but we can’t turn back time. I should’ve probably allocated resources in Elden Ring then to learn about the game earlier than I did, and that memory would’ve had a happy ending. I did afterwards, wishing to impress and spend quality time in the game with my friend, but we never actually truly did. Things need to be done at the right time-so now I need to understand what to do with this gift now, not later.  

She looks at him while he’s fast asleep, while lusting his body. Her pussy is soaking wet and she feels it dripping through her underwear. She starts touching it gently, rubbing it with slow movements of her fingers. The speed of the rubbing steadily increases, while imagining he’s inside her and his breathing in her ears.  

She carries on touching herself with one hand, while opening her top buttons with the other and squeezing her boobs. Her nipples are fully erect… 

Her body tremors at the thought of it and she keeps carrying, keeping her moans quiet while she sweats under the thoughts, and the fantasy takes over her completely. 

 She starts fingering herself violently and orgasms loudly, while squirting all over the room, including his body, waking him up. 

He looks and sees her on a chair, in front of his bed, touching herself and observes the squirt dripping from the chair to the carpet. She blushes while standing up, trying to mutter an explanation to as what she is doing in his room. 

Before he could ration about what happened, he feels hard and stands up, throwing her against the wall and looking at her in the eyes. They start kissing passionately, and after that he bends down, started licking her pussy while sticking two fingers in it; The other hand is covering her mouth so nobody could hear her moans.  

She ends up squirting again soon after, all over his face. Before she could do anything, he picks her up, throws her in bed while she’s opening her legs wide, inviting him in. 

Years of lust, thoughts, and unconsumed passion started brewing between the sheets. His stiff dick enters her wet vagina and starts pumping her hard, while one hard is on her left shoulder and the other is keeping a hold of her hair. She cums the instant he entered her, but they weren’t finished yet. He turns her on her left side, keeping one leg in the air and entering her sideways, then puts her in her four limbs and enters from the back. She feels all the length and girth fully, moaning inside the pillow while he has a grab of her hair and slapping her butt.  

Every time he pulls her hair, she feels wetter, and squirts again. After that, she turns and throws him on the bed and sits on top of him. She starts riding him hard, while also hatefully looking in his eyes. She hates him and he’s done to her, but she also enjoys every second of him being inside of her. She also hates herself for feeling so good riding him, but she can’t either help it or stop it.  

“I’m coming”-he says. 

“Good”, she looks him in the eye while riding him even faster, and he stars filling her up with his cum while she also squirts, one last time. She feared this moment, and she never knew if it was going to be a good or a bad thing, but now she feels like she was in heaven.  

This is what they deprived each other of for a long time, and now it finally happened, opening more riddles than answers…