Category: Wishes

And it happened. I’m back home. No, somehow I still got here and it wasn’t a particularly good timing for it either, as the winter is coming full blast.

Even tho I saw some things here that would need addressing sooner rather than later, I can also say that there is no curse without blessings, or no blessing without curses.

I am enjoying my time here. Even if some things are worse than I remember, these would be the days I’ll crave for when things would go for the worse.

One of my friends enjoyed his new phone I gifted him. And since his phone had seen better days, it was good timing as he was planning to replace it in January.

I also set up my mother with a new phone, her first smartphone but I am a bit fearful that this is not going to end up well, as she isn’t very confident using it. I showed her some basics but hopefully she will get the hang of it before I leave.

The pizza I ordered still holds up as good, as I always order it while coming here. I don’t know why, is part of my routine but it got knocked out of 1st place on my own top pizza chart after the heavenly pizza I had in Italy. That one was special, but second place is nothing to be ashamed off. The second place was also attributed to the tiramisu they sent to it: you’re good, but not Italy level good. What I found good there are some pistachio eclairs that my mother asked me to buy from the town, and they were heavenly good and not even that sweat.

Like I said, things are good, even when they ain’t perfect.

 

 

 

While browsing through Instagram, looking for cats videos, this image popped into my feed. Usually, 9gag offers fun pics, but this one hit too close to home.
I am in an endless self reflecting loop anyway for reasons that I would not write right now, but this kind of gave those thoughts an unneeded boost.

Its said by some people that a boy becomes a man when his world is ending and he realises that there is nobody out there to save him-he needs to do it himself.Although I can’t remember when it was the last time someone was there to “save me”, as I wrote on my safety net post, I don’t know why I don’t feel quite like a man either.
Is it too late for me to reenact these thoughts?

I always found it difficult to assess the appropiate moment reaction. So naturally, people’s intentions in emotionally challenged moments are a gamble for me, which I don’t always win. I am sure that there were people who wanted to be there for me but I could not get the message from everyone, just as I couldn’t make my message clear back to them. Sometimes they also needed help but I did not know how/when to provide it.
Just remembering some of these situations makes me realise that I died more than once, full of regret. And I managed to rebirth myself everytime and although some of the pain stayed behind, the regret followed me everywhere.

And while typing this I realise I do what I usually do, tip toe around the matter at hand and skilfully change the topic until it passess. I guess that is difficult to put trust in yourself and people after you get burned from a young age.
Sure, I am not all innocent myself-and this is something I need to accept living with. But oh God, how much I wished some things were different..

Doing things all by your lonesome ain’t too bad either sometimes. If you win or fail, is all on you, nobody to blame, nobody to take the credit for it either (although, we “clowns” have a tendency to not be good at giving ourselves credit either).

I know what I wrote in the beggining that part of being a man is saving yourself, but there was also a moment and time to do that. Maybe, as a child it wasn’t the appropiate one and this is how I dwelved into coping mechanisms which pretty much made a weirdo out of me, but helped me survive, if only.
Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn’t had been better if I offed myself long time ago, when I was flirting with death, and honestly..I don’t know. I wish I could 100% say no, but I am at somewhere 50-60%.

But embracing your trauma is part of becoming an adult. Everyone had their own and while some experienced bigger traumas than others, everyone coped with it in their own way. If it wasn’t for this, then me, this version of myself, would’ve never existed. And I might’ve ended up better, but might as well been worse-there’s not knowing and there’s no point knowing, either.
For now, I will just like to forget.

Got some pretty shitty dreams last night. It seems like no matter how hard I try to get past some things in my life, they find their way back.

Do they try to tell me something? Is there anything from that past that I need to use now? Are there any red flags around me that I am either underestimating or didin’t notice? Either way, the real punishments of the conscience catches up with us. I can’t die, not yet.

I still have things to do and people who need me. Maybe I need to realise that I need myself, or maybe I need a break from life. I don’t know what good that will do to me-having free time off work just make things worse.

For now, I’ll just consume my sorrow in some italian bought biscuits with pistachio cream on top of them and contemplating if I should download the Mana games just added to gamepass or skip them entirely.

Decisions, decisions.

I’m thinking-and no, it doesn’t pay well, to quote Arthur Morgan-maybe I should start writing again. I never envisioned myself as a talented writer but writing about things that might’ve or might’ve not happened to me and put it in a fictional way. This might help me recconect with my inner self and achieve/maintain my peace.

Also, it can be something constructive on the long run.

Guess this is might help to keep me moving. But still, I wish I can break this silence. Tear it apart and move past that.