The safety net

I always say that I’ll write things, but I just go through them inside my head and then drop the writing process.

Today is not a good day, unfortunately. I have already planned an upcoming trip I do not look forward do. Some people enjoy going back home, for me is just a reminder of the constant failures of the past and the present. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to be seen there or to see anybody from there, apart from my mother. Then why do I go there? Guess I already know the answer.

I realise that I’m people’s safety net, the one that is there to support them when they can’t support themselves. Sure, I can’t always deliver everything they need but I do try my best, as I almost always end up neglecting myself for them.

I did not feel well in the last couple of days, and it made me think again about how I do not, in fact, have a safety net. If I fall, there would be nobody to catch me. I mean, one or two persons will try, sure, but they won’t be able to.

I don’t really want to have a safety net either (unless that safety net is called having a few million $ in my bank account), because I am afraid that once I’ve got it, then I’ll let myself fall into pieces. I already did that before, and since there was nobody there, I had to get back on my feet-there isn’t a better motivator than an empty bank account and nobody to cover your expenses, trust me on that one.

Oh, and some dreams returned again. I don’t understand the point of guilty dreams, really. Wonder if they offer any therapeutic purposes. Do they? Or is just a constant reminder of our failures. Why do we never dream about our successes, or about that hot chick you banged her brains out all night, or about any other happy memory. Why is it either some SF stuff which makes no sense OR people from your past visiting and dropping shit on you?

Speaking of people from the past, is sad to realise that they can’t even be named that-they aren’t your past, just from your scenarios that you made in your head when you allowed yourself to day dream, for which you paid a heavy price-and probably, still do.

Then again, I guess it should hurt-I deserve it. But I also deserve some good news, hopefully this will come, too! Or maybe it already did and I cannot appreciate it.

Speaking of which, I recently visit the London Dungeon and the Batman Museum. The Dungeon was a nice experience overall, where we walked through London’s morbid history while actors did their best to scare the shit out of us-never felt my girlfriend grabbing my arm so tight before (talking about safety nets, lol), and the Batman experience was a nice walk through my memories.

I saw authentic suits, from the classic Ms Freeze to the recent ones that were used by Christian Bale. I also saw other costumes, like the Joker, Poison Ivy and Margot Robbie. Judging by the mannequin, Margot is hot and her husband is very lucky if he ever got her to cosplay in the suit for him.

Maybe the good is already here but I either can’t or choose to not see it. Or maybe, one day things will make more sense and the memories would come without regret.